Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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