I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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