barbara walters just said penis...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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