just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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