Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
