Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
