Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
