just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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