3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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