alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
