i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
