Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
