she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
