I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
