HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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