I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
