i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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