Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
