I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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