if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
