Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
