Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
