Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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