WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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