Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
