If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
