Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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