If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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