Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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