do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
