i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
