alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
