I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
