During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
