there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
