I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
