How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize