Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
