i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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