I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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