can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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