so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
