That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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