my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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