Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
People in love make me want to vomit
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize