Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
