The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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