U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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