Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
