I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
