i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
