I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
