If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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