After last night, I could never be a politician.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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