We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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