Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
