So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
