I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
