Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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