He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
